things the doctors don’t tell you

Congratulations! You’ve been diagnosed with IBS (or spastic colon if you want to get a wonderful mental picture in your mind). The doctor gives you bits and pieces of information (“stay away from your trigger foods and eat more fiber” Thanks. That’s really helpful) but leaves out all the important stuff.

Such as:

1. How to ignore the cravings for all the foods you suddenly can’t have anymore, especially your raging sweet tooth

2. How to satisfy said sweet tooth that wants nothing but chocolate from Godiva

3. How to explain to your date that, while the dinner was really fantastic and you didn’t think it would bother you, it is making you suddenly really sick and that you need him to run that red light up there before you have an accident and die of embarrassment in the passenger seat of his car

4. How to order off a menu in your favorite restaurant where all they serve is juicy stakes

5. How to turn down the offer of free football tickets nicely without getting into specific details about how it would be really bad to get to the stadium and have to run to the bathroom to wait in what is for sure a massive line because the stress of getting to the game and then the thought of having to sit through it has caused a major stress reaction in your gut

6. How to not make the significant other feel bad or neglected because you can’t snuggle as much anymore because just the weight of his arm around your waist makes your belly ache terribly

7. How to get the driver in front of you on the interstate to go at least the speed limit so you can get home before your belly explodes

8. How to explain to the same drive that every time they tap their brakes it makes your belly spasm and you break out in a cold sweat

9. How to explain to your family, friends and coworkers that, yes, five minutes ago I felt great but now I feel like I might die

10. How to keep laughing when living life in the bathroom really stinks